A Soldier's Heart Page 13

  Well, he wasn’t going to get one. “Shall we go home?”

  He got in the car, but she sensed more was coming. Sure enough, once they were on the bypass, he turned toward her.

  “So, if I accepted Gabe’s invitation to his house for a picnic, and you were there, would that be against the rules?”

  She clenched the wheel. And her jaw. “I don’t see how anyone could object to that. Gabe’s your friend.”

  “And if I accepted your mother’s invitation to go to church with the family, that would be acceptable?”

  She sighed. “Luke, please let it go. Please.”

  “Sure. Consider it dropped.”

  But he was smiling, and she suspected she hadn’t heard the end of the subject.

  Chapter Eleven

  Mary Kate sat back on her heels and looked with satisfaction at the impatiens, their pink and lavender faces nodding along the side of her house. “You were right, Mom. They look beautiful here.”

  “I think they’ll do well.” Siobhan planted her trowel into the damp earth and lifted another pot of impatiens from the tray she’d dropped off unexpectedly on Saturday morning. “They’ll like the afternoon shade.”

  “Kenny always put geraniums here.” Taking care of the yard and flower beds had been Kenny’s province. Last year she’d still been too raw from his passing to even think about planting flowers.

  “Geraniums like more sun.” Her mother smiled, her eyes crinkling. “Naturally I never said that to Kenny. I didn’t want to be an interfering mother-in-law.”

  “Interfering? You couldn’t interfere if you tried. Help, yes.”

  “Some would say there’s a fine line. Your father, for instance.” Warm laughter laced her voice.

  “You know Dad’s just teasing you.”

  “That’s his favorite thing,” Siobhan agreed.

  Mary Kate stared at the plant she held in her hands, then slid it out of the plastic pot and pressed it down into the waiting hole. She wasn’t quite sure how to bring up the subject that had been lurking in the back of her mind, waiting for an opportunity.

  “You knew Luke’s parents for a long time.”

  “Knew them, yes. Not really well, but as you say, for a long time.”

  “Were they ever happy together?” Maybe, if she understood what his folks had been to each other, she’d understand Luke better. Maybe it would even help her know what to do with her inappropriate feelings.

  Her mother sat back on her heels, wiping her damp forehead with the back of her gardening glove and depositing a smear of mud in the process. “It’s always hard to guess what’s going on inside someone else’s marriage. I had the feeling that Ruth rather resented the fact that his business occupied him so much. You don’t make a success like his without putting a lot of hours into it.”

  “You mean he neglected his family.”

  “I didn’t say that. A lot of women would have been proud of his drive, maybe even jumped right in to help him run the businesses. Ruth wasn’t like that.” Her mother shrugged, going back to the planting. “I’m not saying one of them was right and the other wrong.”

  “Luke feels his father deserted them.” And he was still hurting about it, after all these years.

  Her mother didn’t respond immediately. The steady movement of her trowel was somehow soothing. Mom had a way of immersing herself in whatever she was doing, as if planting a flower or sewing on a button was an important task.

  Maybe it was. A line from an old hymn sounded in her mind. Let all our work be praise.

  She’d like to cultivate the serenity that would allow her to feel that about every task of her day, instead of unraveling with worry when things didn’t go her way.

  Her mother tamped down the rich earth around a flower. “I suppose that’s true enough. Phillip was the one who left, and it’s natural that Luke has some resentment.”

  “Not some. A lot.” It was on the tip of her tongue to tell her mother about the issue of Luke’s father helping to pay for his therapy, but that fact wasn’t hers to tell.

  “Ruth was a difficult woman in some ways.” A line formed between her mother’s brows. “After Phillip left, she wouldn’t let anyone help her except Luke. She put everything on him—all her feelings, all her worries about the future. He was just a boy, too young to cope with that.”

  Some emotion she couldn’t quite identify slid through her. Was it fear that she might do the same thing with her children? Or just the recognition that she understood what Ruth had felt, even if she didn’t condone what she did?

  “It’s still affecting Luke. His father has called several times, but Luke refuses to speak to him. I can’t help but think it would be better for Luke to get past it. To forgive.”

  “You’re worried about him.” Siobhan cut right to the heart of what she was trying to say. “I thought he was doing better.”

  “He is, physically. He graduated to braces and canes, and he’s navigating pretty well with them. He’s starting to interact normally with the kids, with Gabe. But he still feels guilty about leaving his men in the battle zone, and he’s holding on to his anger with his father like a—like a crutch.”

  “Maybe that’s what it is. It lets him focus his negative feelings on the past instead of confronting what has to be an uncertain future.” Her mother reached across to pat her hand. “I understand you worrying about him. It’s only natural, but his emotional health isn’t your responsibility.”

  Wasn’t it? She couldn’t dismiss it that easily, but Mom would never understand unless she leveled with her.

  “Mary Kate?” Her mother pressed for an answer. “Is there something more you want to tell me?”

  She couldn’t help a wry smile. “Are you ever going to stop knowing your kids’ minds better than they do?”

  “I hope not.” Siobhan squeezed her hand.

  “Luke isn’t just any patient. I mean, we have a history. That’s what let me get him started on his therapy to begin with, but now—”

  “Now what?”

  Her mother would probably sit there on the grass all afternoon, waiting for her to come out with it. But how could she admit she was attracted to him? More, cared about him?

  “It’s…well, it’s different. The other day, after he started on his canes, he wanted me to go out with him to celebrate.”

  “I can understand that. He was probably euphoric. He’d have wanted to celebrate no matter who he was with.”

  “Not like this. He wanted me to go out to dinner with him. I can’t do that. It’s too much like a date. It wouldn’t be ethical to date a client.”

  “I see.” Siobhan sounded as if she saw far too much. “Is that the only reason?”

  She bit her lip. “No.” She had to push the words out, and she didn’t dare look at her mother’s face. “I have—we have both felt some, well, attraction to each other. I’m sure it’s nothing,” she added quickly. “I mean, we once dated in high school, and now we’re in a situation that’s fairly intimate and it’s just—”

  “You’re attracted to each other.” Siobhan said it briskly, as if it was perfectly normal. “There’s nothing wrong with that, but I agree, it would be inappropriate to act on it while you’re his therapist. But you won’t always be his therapist.”

  “No.” She didn’t want to admit to the bleakness she felt at the thought of not seeing Luke on a regular basis.

  “You could date then. No one could criticize that.”

  Panic swept through her. “I’m not sure I want to date Luke or anyone else. How can I? I have the children to think of. I feel disloyal to Kenny just talking about it.”

  “Oh, Mary Kate.” Her mother’s voice was warm with sympathy. “It’s been over a year. You can’t stop loving Kenny, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ever love anyone else.”

  Siobhan didn’t understand. Mary Kate wasn’t sure she understood herself.

  “I don’t know if I have it in me to love someone else in that way. How will I ever kno
w if I can? What if I made a mistake? I can’t hurt Shawnie and Michael by exposing them to more heartache.”

  Her hands twisted together in her lap until her mother took a firm grip on them.

  “Honey, I don’t know all the answers. But I think, when the time comes, God will show you the way. Just trust in that and ask Him to show you the answer.”

  Her heart was too full to speak. All she could do was nod and try to hold back the tears.

  “Mommy, get the ball!”

  In response to Michael’s shout, Mary Kate bent to stop the soccer ball. She kicked it back toward Michael and the swarm of little Flanagans who had turned the lawn at Gabe and Nolie’s farm into an improvised soccer field. Nolie had provided bushel baskets for the goals, and they were as happy as if they had uniforms and a regulation field.

  She strolled toward the group of adults gathered under the big oak tree. Sunday dinner was a Flanagan tradition, and she loved it when the weather was nice enough to turn it into a picnic at the farm.

  She dawdled, not especially eager to be drawn into a discussion with Dad about the Phillies’ chances this year. Truth to tell, she was just happy to be here and soak up the serenity. She needed a little peace to get her rebellious emotions under control.

  She actually came close to telling her mother how she really felt about Luke the other day. That was something she didn’t want to admit even to herself.

  She glanced back toward the children. The game had changed—now Shawna was teaching them to play Follow the Leader. Trust Shawnie to entertain her little cousins endlessly, even though she often lost patience with her own brother.

  “Hey, Mary Kate.” Brendan loped up to throw an arm around her shoulders. “Worried that the game is getting out of hand?”

  “No, not at all.” She leaned against Brendan, affection welling in her. Brendan had always been more brother than cousin since he’d come to live with them when his parents died. “Just thinking how good it feels to see them all playing together. And next year you’ll have one to add to the bunch.”

  “Right.” Brendan’s face softened, as it always did at the mention of the expected baby. “I don’t think he or she will be playing soccer so soon, though.”

  “I guess not, but he or she will grow up knowing there’s a lot of family around to play with. And a lot of love.” Thank You, Father, that my children have this.

  Brendan squeezed her shoulders. “Missing Kenny?”

  “No, not really. Just thinking that it’s almost as if he’s here somewhere, off talking baseball with Dad or shooting hoops with Gabe.”

  Brendan looked at her closely. “Does that feeling comfort you?”

  She shrugged. “I’m not daydreaming, if that’s what you mean. I know it’s best to stick with reality.”

  “It’s natural enough to…” Brendan paused, glancing at the car that was pulling up where the farm lane petered out in front of the house. “Who’s Gabe bringing?”

  She followed his gaze, and her stomach lurched. Gabe was coming around his car, reaching out to open the passenger door. But he was too late. The door swung open, and Luke swiveled to put his legs out.

  Luke. Of course, she knew Gabe had been after him to come to dinner, but she’d never imagined he’d actually accept the invitation.

  She detached her arm from Brendan, hoping he hadn’t noticed any involuntary reaction on her part. She’d better get herself under control, before one of her other observant relatives guessed what she was feeling.

  Gabe handed him the two canes that must have been in the backseat. At the sight, any thought of hanging back fled. What was he thinking? She hurried across the grass to him.

  “Hey, M.K., look who finally agreed to show his face.” Gabe clapped Luke’s shoulder, nearly hard enough to knock him off his precarious balance.

  “I see. Welcome, Luke.” She shut the door once he was clear of it, relieved to see that the walker was in the back, also.

  “Hi.” He gave her the slow smile that never failed to send ripples along her nerves.

  She might be safer if he returned to the habitual frown he used to have. How was she going to keep her feelings secret when he could affect her so easily?

  “Don’t you think you should use the walker? The ground is uneven, and walking on grass is more difficult than pavement or wood floors.”

  His smile didn’t fade, but it might have stiffened a bit. “I’m fine for the moment. I brought the walker in case I need it later.”

  She put her hand on his arm, and it felt like steel through the sleeve of the denim shirt he wore. “Luke, I really think—”

  “I’m sure you do.” There was a glint of determination in his eyes. “You’re not my therapist today, Mary Kate.”

  “I can’t turn it off that easily.”

  “You’d better try, because I don’t intend to obey any orders. Not unless you’re telling me to come to the table.”

  She managed to smile. Obviously she’d have to humor him. “Well, in that case, maybe you had better come to the table. I think I see the appetizers arriving.”

  She should make some excuse to move away, but that would be rude. She was the logical person to smooth his way into the family group. She’d make sure he was occupied and then she could slip away.

  On the other hand, maybe he didn’t need her help. He made his way to a lawn chair and once he was balanced, held out his hand to her father.

  “Mr. Flanagan. It’s good to see you again, sir.”

  “Luke, sit down.” Her father beamed. “Glad you came, son. Mary Kate said you weren’t getting out much, but it looks as if you’re getting around pretty well now.”

  “I’m making progress.” He eased into the chair. “Thanks to Mary Kate. She’s a good physical therapist.”

  Her dad’s eyes twinkled. “She’s always been good at telling other people what to do.”

  “Hello,” she said, nettled. It really wasn’t fair for her own family to take Luke’s side. “I’m standing right here.”

  “Sure you are, sweetie.” Her father chuckled. “You’re just too easy to tease.”

  Before she could find an answer, she heard a shout from Michael. Deserting the game, he came running over, followed by Shawna.

  “Luke, Luke.” He threw himself at Luke, and for a second she thought the chair would collapse under both of them, but Luke reached out a strong hand to catch him.

  Michael threw his arms around Luke’s neck in a throttling hug. “I was wishing you would come, and you did.”

  “Your uncle Gabe invited me. He said you have a lot of fun here.”

  “We get to play with our cousins and see the animals. Hey, wanna see the animals? Come on, I’ll take you.”

  Shawna had reached them by now. “He wants to have something to eat first, don’t you, Luke? I’ll bring you some iced tea. And some fruit. There’ll be cookies later, but Grammy says we can’t have them until after we eat real food.”

  “No, animals first.” Michael tugged at Luke’s hand.

  “Hey, you two, give the man room to breathe.” Her father’s voice was laughing.

  “It’s all right.” Luke put an arm around Michael and patted Shawnie’s hand. “Tell you what. You tell me all about the animals, and Shawna can tell me about what we’re going to have to eat.”

  Mary Kate stood where she was, watching them. Michael leaned unselfconsciously against Luke’s knee, as if they’d been friends all his life. Shawnie’s face was animated as she chattered away about all the food Grammy and her aunts had brought. And Luke listened to them as if he really cared.

  Her heart twisted. It was the way they used to chatter to Kenny, telling him all about their day, knowing he wanted to hear every little thing.

  They’d missed that. Despite having all the attention from her, from family, they still missed that kind of relationship. For some reason she couldn’t understand, they’d latched on to Luke.

  This was what it had been like with Kenny, but Kenny was gone. W
ith an odd clarity, she realized she hadn’t accepted that until this moment.

  Luke shook his head at the dessert plate Mrs. Flanagan was holding out temptingly. “It’s the best cherry pie I ever tasted, but I can’t possibly eat another bite.”

  “Then I’ll wrap some up for you to take home.” Siobhan Flanagan whisked off toward the farmhouse, apparently to do just that. She went quickly up the ramp to the porch. Obviously Gabe and Nolie, with their service animals, were used to providing for people who needed that.

  Gabe, stretched out next to him in a lawn chair, chuckled. “You may as well not fight it. If Mom’s determined to feed you, she will.” He shut his eyes, leaning his head against the canvas back of the sling chair, obviously content.

  For an instant Luke felt a twinge of resentment. Gabe had it made—a lovely wife and child, a beautiful place to live, meaningful work to do. He just as quickly shoved the feeling aside. The golden retriever sleeping at Gabe’s side might look like the family pet, but he was much more than that. Gabe would probably spend the rest of his life dealing with his seizure disorder, and for all Luke knew, he might miss being a firefighter more than he’d ever let on.

  Gabe was one person who might understand his concerns about the future. But if he was tempted to bring it up, the words died on his lips. Gabe’s eyes were shut, his breathing slow and even.

  Smiling a little, he glanced around. The drowsiness seemed to be affecting all the men, lounging in the shade after they’d cleared the picnic tables from the huge meal. The children had deserted the sunny field to gather around Joe Flanagan for a story. Joe obviously enjoyed his role as patriarch of such a large clan. Luke tried to imagine his father in such a role, but he couldn’t. Phillip Marino had never made family and faith the center of his life, as Joe so obviously did.

  As for him, well, he couldn’t imagine it for himself, either, and that was why this attraction he felt for Mary Kate and the affection that was growing for her children scared him. And that was why he’d come today.